To me, a soul ache is a deep longing of our spirit. It could be longing to be near a person or longing to be in a place. Right now I’m experiencing the latter.
Last week I was in Buena Vista, Colorado for my childhood best friend’s wedding. It was one of those Pinterest-perfect dream weddings: stunning couple, intimiate ceremony on a mountain top, beautifully & uniquely decorated reception (think one long reception table with antique table decorations, candles and eucalyptus) on a river. It was a joyous and peaceful celebration.
Aside from the wedding agenda, I spent time exploring the town, hiking along the Arkansas River, driving through the mountains hoping that if I just went a little farther, I would reach the sunset in them. Someone told me that we can like the mountains so much simply because we don’t see them every day. My reaction is to reject that. Maybe that is true for himself but it’s not for me. The mountains are a grand, etheral, awe-inspiring fingerprint of our creator. When I stood beneath them, I was humbled and stirred.
And when I left the quiet mountains on Thursday and drove back to Denver, my heart swelled and fell all at once. All the scenic overlooks called me to stop and I did. With deep breaths, I took in the air. With the wind and the melodies coming from my rental car speakers, my spirit danced. And as I got farther away, I felt that igniting sense of spirit dwindle.
Days later, I am carrying it with me now still but in a frantic sort of way. Trying to call it back. I slept most of my first day home. Perhaps hoping my dreams would take me to the mountains or I would wake and find my return was the dream and that I had more time there.
I find we can put these soul aches on shelves; sometimes for so long we forget they are there. When I am still, I can look at my life and see that Colorado has always been there. Junior year of high school, I spent Christmas there with my best friend and her family. Senior year of college, I was offered a job at a ranch in Estes Park. It was long a dream of mine to work on a ranch. Ultimately I turned down the offer because I let a parent convince me that it wasn’t worth it. Not taking that job is my only life choice I regret. I carry it with me and occasionally, like now, it pops up and tugs at my heart.
Surely there is more to be made of my connection with Colorado. Maybe it’s on me that I haven’t gained the knowledge or growth from this place that I am supposed to. This trip I came with anxiety and stress from work and I put on it the expectation of leaving refreshed with clarity. Perhaps I need to instead come with a fertile and open mind and with my heart ready to drop something I have been carrying or ready to pick up something I am meant to receive.
I believe there is validity in these soul aches. Whether our hearts are longing for a person or place, I think it’s that our souls know there is something left. Like closure after a breakup, I know I haven’t gotten all I am to out of CO. There is more to this story. Instead of moping over having returned from the mountains, I will put my hope in God that he will one day bring a sense of completion, a check mark if you will, to this target on the map of my heart.
I look forward to figuring out what ties my soul to this and other places and I hope you’ll take this journey with me.
For you: What does your soul ache over? If you take a moment to study it in silence, can you find validity? Has it always been there? Why is it calling now?
A Map of Willow 